October 04, 2012

Maybe I'll Just Get Myself Arrested

I'm working on getting my substitute teacher license.
Fun stuff.
I have to get my fingerprints taken.
(Is that how you say that?)

I had to request a fingerprint card
from the Kansas Department of Education.
It came in a big envelope with the instructions
that I go to my local police department
to get my fingerprints.

I got the card in the mail on Monday.
And put off going until this morning.
There's no reason for me to be nervous.
Fingerprinting doesn't hurt.
I'm not a felon.
I've been pretty much a squeaky clean person
as far as the law goes.

I dressed carefully.
So I looked nice and proper.
And headed out.

I ran a couple errands first.
Post office for stamps to send the crazy card back.
Then the library.
(To drop off over due books...again)
I ran a yellow/red light on the way to the library.
And wondered to myself
if I needed to report that to the officer
who would be fingerprinting me soon.

The police station is cater-cornered from the library.
(Totally had to look that word up.
Pretty sure I've never spelled it out before.
Parked in front of the library.
Dropped off my books.
Hopped back in the car.
(No idea why I didn't just park at one and walk to the other.)
Did not put my seat belt on.
And wondered if I should report myself for that also.
Turned the corner.
Pulled in to a spot in front of the police station.
Looked up saw a sign that said: Police Vehicles Only.
Wondered if I should report myself for that also.
Pulled back out and around to a legal parking spot.
Went into the police station.
Separated from the receptionist by a glass window.
And one of those little speaker things.

Her: Can I help you?
Me: Yah, I need to get my fingerprints for a background check.
Her: Oh, we don't do that here.
        You have to go to the Detention Center.
        The entrance is on the other side of the building
        a block over on 8th street.

Back in my car.
Pulled into the parking lot on that side of the building.
Noticed the sign: Restricted Parking, Authorized Vehicles Only.
Pulled back out of the parking lot.
Finally found a spot on the road.

Walked into the detention center.
A room with a whole bunch of chairs.
Some lockers.
All these brochures with titles like: Are You an Addict?
A door to the women's restroom.
A door to the men's restroom.
A door that led to an office.
With police vests and a messy desk in it.
But no person at the desk.
(That door was locked.
I know because I tried to open it.)
And a metal detector.
With a scary looking "window" on the other side of it.
Not really a window because you couldn't see through it.
But there was another of those speaker thingys.
There was also a sign that said: Master Controller.

Unsure what to do,
I went through the metal detector.
It made a loud noise.
And I heard a voice on the other side of the "window":
     Can I help you?
Shocked that I hadn't peed myself by this point, I say:
     I need to get my fingerprints for a background check.
Unknown voice: Thursday is the only day we don't do prints.

Are. You. Kidding me?
I have to do this all again tomorrow.

It just came to me,
I'm wondering if Mr. Master Controller
could see me the whole time I was wondering around in that room.
Like a two-way mirror thing.
I bet they are still laughing at me.

Maybe I'll just get myself arrested tomorrow.
Pretty sure it would be easier.


Leslie Veer said...

made me laugh!
but i totally get the frustration of gearing up for something awkward or unpleasant, only to be thwarted (isn't thwarted a cool word??).

Beki - TheRustedChain said...


"I have to get my fingerprints tookted." ... I'm pretty sure that's the right way to say it.

keepingthemistakes said...

And, just for the record, at least when I had to do it -- they HATE doing them for regular, law-abiding citizens like us. And, although the state says to give your mail to them to put in the mail for you, they refuse to do it. I found them to be really hostile about the whole thing. I'll look forward to seeing how it goes for you!!